


The Oak In My Garden

by BflyW



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-05
Updated: 2012-04-05
Packaged: 2017-11-03 02:21:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/376033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BflyW/pseuds/BflyW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared has just moved into town, and is left with a house that desperately needs attention when his girlfriend of many years has left him. Jensen is running the only hardware store in town, and is intrigued by the newcomer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

****

 

**CHAPTER ONE**  
  
He was angry that day, Jared Padalecki, when Sandy McCoy packed her bags and left him alone in the house that was supposed to be theirs. Their whole future was incorporated in these four walls, and now he is left with an empty frame he has no idea how to fill.  
  
Ever since he was a young boy he had known Sandy was his to marry. They had been a couple since high school and friends even before that.  
  
Sandy was the most tender person he knew. Her small frame was so slender next to his large body. He felt a constant urge to protect her and take care of her, even when she was always in charge and no way let him make a decision for the both of them. She would usually have full control over both their schedules, and an opinion on what he should do. And he loved her for it. He felt loved and cared for when she went to all that trouble, making sure he was always okay and never made a fool of himself by dressing up in the wrong clothes or forgetting a meeting he was supposed to be at.  
  
He was no pushover, not by any means. He was his own man; he just really didn’t mind Sandy taking control. She liked it, and he felt comfortable with it.  
  
It made their relationship easy; they never had to fight about what to do or how to do it. He was happy doing what she had decided, because she was so good at making decisions for the two of them.  
  
It was, therefore, such a shock when she out of the blue packed her bags and left, because she, according to her own words, was sick and tired of him never taking responsibility.  
  
So here he is. Stranded in a family house without a family to share it with. It’s a rundown house that needs a lot of work to become the home it is meant to be.  
  
“No worries,” Sandy had said. She had plenty of ideas for the house and, with their combined funding, they could afford hired help to make the dream come true. Of course when she left she had taken her money with her, and now he is left with a dilapidated house, debt and no skills to upgrade it to the home he'd dreamt of having.  
  
The sensible thing to do would be to sell the house and buy something smaller that doesn’t need quite so much restoring. But then there is the matter of location.  
  
The house is one of about forty in a Folk Victorian front porch neighborhood.  The houses are spread out in-between large oak trees that have been there since before the first houses were built in the middle of the previous century. The houses were originally one storey buildings, but over the years annexes have been added or, in many cases, also second floors.  
  
In the case of his house, a small annex has been added and the loft has been rebuilt to contain one large and one small bedroom, both with sky-light windows placed right above the bed.  
  
After living so many years in the city, where no one knew their neighbors, he is pleased to see that within the first few months of living here he knows more neighbors by their first names than he did after three years in the city. People will always nod and greet him on the street even though they don’t know each other, and people are not afraid to stop and talk for a while.  
  
The house lies on a height overlooking the shore and he can see all the small boats passing on their way to harbor in the small town.  
  
The picturesque town center is built up around the harbor where the local fishermen anchor up to sell their catch of crab and shrimps.  
  
He’s more known as a large steak kind of man, but after tasting the fresh shrimp that’s boiled red right in front of his eyes at the deck of the small fishing boat, he has grown addicted to the tasty food from the sea as well.  
  
He has lived in this house, with his fiancée, and watched the earth come to life during spring.  
  
He has seen the world blossom in vivid colors through the summer months as a single man.  
  
He is now about to experience the massive oak tree in his back yard catch fire in the colors of autumn.  
  
He can already feel the cooler air seep in through the windows at night, and his tanned arms are more and more often covered by long sleeves.  
  
He can’t wait to see the first snow fall and the water freeze to ice.  
  
He knows by the town talk that the lake up on the hill is the town's official ice skating rink and he can already picture himself taking the trip past the laughing children on his daily walks with Harley and Sadie.  
  
Harley and Sadie are also two massive reasons to stay in the house.  
  
It is a huge relief having a garden for them to play in instead of being locked up in a condo, however spaceous, only to be walked in a city’s green parks for daily doses of fresh air.   
  
And those two reasons are what he gives his family when they ask why he hasn’t sold the house yet.

♥♥♥

 

Jensen Ackles watches the last boat anchor up for the day. It’s crab season and the local fishermen spend mornings and afternoons at sea, when the tide moves and the crabs are moving. He knows that when the last boat anchors up it’s time for him to close the store.  
  
He would have liked to have gone home hours ago, but he is short of help and has to tend to the customers as well as all the administrative work.  
  
Caitlyn, the store’s owner and his best friend in town, went home a couple of hours ago. She has left all the administrative work to him, but the store still stands in her name, and that’s just how he wants it. He is just grateful that he can have a steady job, and wants nothing else than to make sure the store is in good shape for Caitlyn and her kids.  
  
He loves those kids as though they were his own. He wants to make this store grow so that one day, when they are older, they’ll have a good work place to inherit.  
  
For now, though, her kids are still in school and she can only work in the middle of the day, leaving him to both open and close every day. He does get time off, a few hours in the middle of the day, but mostly he stays in the store then as well and tends to office work.  
  
They have hired a school girl to work Saturdays and during summer vacation, but they don’t have it in the budget to hire a steady help to work every day. But the two of them manage taking care of both the store and their little family, even though it means that he has to work both long and odd hours.  
  
He has spent hours in the office at the back of the store today, hunched over his accounting books. His back is throbbing and a twinge in his hand makes the fingers ache so much that he has trouble locking up the cash register. He knows he has stayed still too long and that he should be careful not letting the muscles stiffen like this, but when he’s deep into his work, he tends to forget everything around him. Sometimes though, that can be a blessing.  
  
He rubs his neck with one hand while he collects the money with the other. It’s a good end result today. It has been a fair share of customers stopping by to buy equipment to catch blue crab, and money has been filling up nicely.  
  
He throws a glance out the window and sees that all the fishermen have left the harbor now. He has never set his foot on one of those boats and he has no intention of ever doing so. He knows it’s a dangerous job they are doing, but he also knows it’s in their blood. 

 

♥♥♥

  
  
Jared holds Harley and Sadie by their leashes and tries to keep up with their fast pace. He has always been a good runner, but he is nothing against two fit dogs.  
  
He enjoys running in the last light of the day and he tries to keep to the back roads leading down towards the harbor. They are mostly abandoned and won’t give the dogs too many distractions.  
  
The tour will give him a nice downhill run for the first quarter of the run and he takes in a nice slow pace like a warm up. Then he’ll run behind the front line of houses forming the façade towards the shore. It’s in this secluded area that he sees him, the tall man walking out of the back door of what must be the hardware store.  
  
He is carrying a garbage bag that he disposes in the containers located in the back yard of the store. For a moment their eyes meet, but the distance is too great to make out any details. He is well built, he can see that, with broad shoulders and a trim waist. He’s wearing blue jeans and a hooded sweater, even in this warm evening.  
  
Jared nods in a polite greeting but gets only a curt nod in response. Hm, so he guesses not everyone is as talkative and interested in the new people as most people in town. He guesses he will meet him soon enough though, seeing as he needs all kind of tools to get started on that house of his. So far he has nothing to work with, and hardly any idea what to do.

  
♥♥♥

  
Jensen hears the clattering of running feet on the asphalt and turns to see a giant of a man and his two dogs jogging towards his back yard. It’s not often he sees people jogging here; usually they take the more scenic route along the shore. He stops to stare for a while before he realizes what he’s doing, and embarrassed about his actions, he only manages a curt nod in response to his greeting.  
  
His mom would have scolded him if she knew how he was behaving, but then she doesn’t know he has, for the first time, been face to face with his long distance crush. He knows nothing about the man, other than his good looks, and that he has bought that ramshackle house up on the hill. Oh yeah, and that he is straight and newly out of a relationship with that beautiful woman he lived with when they first moved here. _Jared_ , he thinks his name is.

 

♥♥♥

  
Jared almost trips over his own feet when he pushes open the door to the hardware store much harder than necessary. The bell over the door rings in a Christmas-y chime and the brooms placed just inside the door clatter dangerously close to falling.  
  
“Sorry,” he exclaims as he jumps forward to save them from falling.  
  
“No problem, hon,” he hears from the counter by the wall. He looks up only to lock eyes with a tiny woman in her thirties. “Nice catch.”  
  
“Thank you.” he throws her his patented Padalecki smile and looks around to find the wall containing paint samples.  
  
He has no idea what he needs. A light color maybe, he’s thinking white. Except white isn’t just white, is it? He’s reading the labels; mist, eggshell, latte, coffee latte. Hey, he likes coffee doesn’t he? Coffee latte it is.  
  
He grabs the paint sample and heads over to the counter where the woman is occupied with pricing some sort of round baking pans with a stick thing in the middle. He has no idea how to use it, and looks at the price tag, happy to reveal that he has just saved $13.99 not buying a useless kitchen implement.  
  
“Did you find what you needed, dear?” Caitlyn, according to her name tag, says.  
  
“Yes, thank you. I need a lot of this paint.” He’s not exactly sure how much _a lot_ is, but together they calculate how much he needs to paint the spacey dining room he will now convert into a home office. It’s built in the annex and has a beautiful view of the back yard, and even a sliding door to the patio outside.  
  
As she collects all the paint for him, he stretches his neck to glance over to the back room he can just about make out through the open door to the right. He hopes to get a glimpse of the man he saw yesterday, and this time maybe even his face. But he sees nothing.  
  
“There you go, dear,” she says with a smile and hands him the last bucket of paint.  
  
“Jared,” he says.  
  
“Jared,” she repeats, “and my name is Caitlyn.”

♥♥♥

  
Jensen walks into the store only to find Caitlyn high up under the roof, hanging sales posters. They are trying to get rid of the left-over plant pots that they didn‘t manage to sell during summer. It is always Caitlyn’s job to write the posters. If it was left to Jensen, no one would have known what was sold or how much it cost. Penmanship is not one of his best talents.  
  
  
“How are you doing?” he says as he stretches up to help her. He can easily reach up even though he is not using a two step ladder as she is.  
  
“Fine, thank you,” she responds as she collects her tiny body and climbs down from the steps.  
  
“You’ll never guess who was in here,” she continues after a short break where she has walked over to the other side of the store to collect some stray brackets and put them back where they belong. “The new guy that bought the McCullen house,” she adds before he has a chance to guess. “Jared, he said his name was.”

  
♥♥♥

  
Jensen can feel his heart skip a beat at the mention of Jared’s name. It’s silly really, at thirty he shouldn’t be acting like a love-struck teenager. And he really isn’t, it’s just a crush. Someone to fantasize about. It’s not like there have been many new faces in this town for a while, and this newcomer was a god given gift to his fantasy love life, that’s all there is to it.  
  
So far, the distance has made the crush easy to bear. He has just been a stranger, only to be spotted through the windows of the store when he sits down to eat the seafood he seems to enjoy at the bench on the pier. Jensen has a direct view of the pier, and most weeks he will find Jared eating lunch there at least once. The days vary, but the time is always the same; 11.30.  
  
Now he has crossed the border into Jensen’s personal space, though, and it makes his world tilt. Okay, so he couldn’t really expect their paths never to cross; he does run the only hardware store in town after all, but he is nonetheless not really prepared. He doesn’t know if he is sad or relieved that he wasn’t here when it happened.

♥♥♥

  
Jared curses the minute he is finished placing all the furniture in the middle of the room and is about to open the first bucket of paint.  
  
He has no floor covers, no paint brushes, rollers, or paint trays. Basically, he has nothing to apply the paint with, and if he shall have any luck getting any color on the wall, he must head back to the store.  
  
 _Damn, how could he be so stupid?_

♥♥♥

  
Jensen is about to close up when he hears the bell above the door chime announcing there is a customer entering. He heads out of the back office, but comes to a sudden stop when he lays eyes on the man towering in the room.  
  
He wills his body to move again, but pulls at the hood covering his hair.  
  
“Good evening.” He acts polite and prays his voice is steadier than he feels.  
  
“Hi.” Jared looks down at him, and Jensen knows he should lift his head to meet his eyes. He doesn’t have the nerve, though.  
  
“I need paint brushes, rollers and paint trays,” he says, “and everything else I need to paint the walls. I bought paint earlier today, but when I was ready to get it all up on that wall, I realized that was all I had bought.”  
  
“Uhum,” Jensen says in an inaudible voice, leading the way to the shelves where he keeps all the painting supplies. He casts a glimpse out of the window to the dim light outside and asks Jared if he intends to paint now, in this light.  
  
“Uh, yes?” Jared manages to make it sound like a question.  
  
“It’s better to paint in daylight, is all,” Jensen says, somewhat embarrassed to be butting in. “Easier to get it even that way,” he adds.

  
♥♥♥

  
Jared was surprised when he saw the man walking out of the back office. He glanced over to him, but he wouldn’t meet his eyes. He had stopped the second he walked out of the office, but continued right after.  
  
He was polite and correct, but it wasn’t that same welcoming vibe he got from most others here in town. But then, not everyone could be happy all the time.  
  
The man is shorter than Jared, but that doesn’t say much. Jared is taller than most. No, this man would be considered tall next to most others. Again he is wearing a hood, and Jared cannot catch his eyes. When he does finally look up, though, he thinks he can see hazel eyes in there, but he cannot be sure. They are hidden in the dark. What he is sure of, though, is that they are beautiful.

♥♥♥

  
Jensen surprises himself by talking more than he thought he would. There is something about Jared that draws the words out of him. He is still too self conscious to really meet his eyes, but the words keep coming. Luckily he hears himself talk about paint and how to do it, instead of whatever his mind is focusing on, like how those arms are sexy.  
  
He hears himself explaining about cleaning the walls before applying paint, so that old grease stains won’t bleed through the paint and discolor it. All the while, all he can think about is the beautiful face of the man standing in front of him.  
  
 _Concentrate, damn it!_

  
♥♥♥

  
Jared really feels stupid now. Not only had he not thought about all the supplies he needed, but he hadn’t given cleaning the walls even half a thought. With his lack of skills, he will be happy if he even has a house when he’s finished with it.  
  
Not being able to paint in the evenings sets him back quite a while. Tomorrow, he starts another two weeks of working days, and he will even work through Saturday.  
  
He must have said that out loud, because the next thing he hears is the man offering to help him.  
  
“What did you say?”  
  
“I’m sorry,” the man stutters, “I just… Well, you are new in town so I assume you don’t know that many people yet, so I thought maybe you needed some help. And I said I am free on Sunday, if you want to that is.”  
  
“Wow, thank you… Jensen,” he reads on the name tag. “Wow,” he repeats again.  
  
So much for lack of hospitality; Jensen has just surpassed them all. “Are you sure?”

  
♥♥♥

  
Hell no, he’s not sure. He can’t believe what he’s done. He didn’t even mean to say it, it just fell out before he could stop himself, but he’s not one to subtract an offer to help. So here he is, scared half to death, and offering to help his strange love interest paint. How is he going to get out of this one?  
  
“Yes, I’m sure”

 

♥♥♥

  
  
The week goes by slowly for Jared.  
  
He has to go into work every morning and has, luckily, many slow shifts. Not that he doesn’t like having a lot to do; time flies by faster when he does, but having much to do for him usually means that a lot of people are hurt, considering he‘s a paramedic, and he doesn’t like that. He’d rather stay bored at work if that means people are safe.  
  
It gives him plenty of time to take care of things at the station though, restocking the supply in the cars, cleaning them, and even doing a couple of lessons to refresh his memory on life-saving procedures. He always likes to stay on top of his work, and while he might be inept as a house painter, he does have ambitions to be as good a paramedic as he possibly can.  
  
He went into this line of work because it had been his dream since he was a child to save people. He would watch programs of rescue units and fantasize about being one of the handsome men coming to save the people in need.  
  
Of course, his view of the job has changed over time. It did even before he started working, and he has realized that mostly, the job isn’t as eventful as it appears in movies. But you always need to be prepared for it, and you always need to know what to do in a crisis. You need to be able to keep your head together and act on instinct if you one day are called out to a huge accident, which is why they constantly practice for it.  
  
What has really surprised him, though, is how much he actually enjoys the less eventful parts of his job. The transport missions for instance, where they simply drive a patient from one hospital to another.  
  
He has learned that he truly loves just being a support, someone to give comfort to a person in a strange and scary situation. For many, being transported in an ambulance is just that. It means they are sick or injured and they feel helpless and scared. He can be there to talk to them and comfort them, and to his great surprise, he is good at it.  
  
Turns out he knows what to say in those situations, and seeing his patients relax under the comfort of being taken care of by him is so much more rewarding than he had ever known it could be. Sometimes it’s just about holding someone’s hand. If he can’t offer a little bit of himself for the few minutes he is present in their life, then he has nothing to do in this job.  
  
So it may be less eventful than he thought it would be when he was a kid, but oh so much more rewarding.

  
♥♥♥

  
  
Jensen has been throwing glances out the window every day at 11.30 but hasn’t seen Jared yet. He did say he would work every day, so he probably hasn’t had time to do lunch at the pier this week. Come to think about it, he has no idea what Jared does for a living.  
  
He can rule out anything to do with handy work, and from the comment about working days this week, he guess he is working some kind of shift work.  
  
Fireman maybe? He would like that; he enjoys the sight of a strong, handsome man in uniform. He certainly has the arms for it. He did get a good look at those firm arms the other day. Chiseled with strong muscles covered by tanned skin so smooth that he wanted to touch him and trace every thick line of blood vessel that he could spot under the cover of skin. He wanted to follow up with his tongue; let it taste the rim of salt that has formed in the heat during the day.  He would…  
  
“Dreaming again?” He hears a female voice close to his ear. He had been so far gone he didn’t even notice Caitlyn stepping behind the counter and now she is right next to him. She is smiling at him, and he can’t help but smile back.  
  
He has seen her sneak up on her kids so many times, to their frustration. He always sniggers when that happens to them; he’s not so fond of her using the same tactic on him.  
  
“No, I was just sorting though…” He looks down to see what he was sorting through, “these letters,” he says and lifts the mail to show her.  
  
“Yeah, I can see that,” she laughs and kisses him on the cheek. “I can also see that dreamy look you get every day looking out of that window. That’s a look I know, Jensen. You’re an Ackles, I know how to read your face. It’s familiar to me, so tell me, what’s up?”  
  
“Nothing.”  
  
It’s one thing to have a silly crush and keep it to yourself; it’s a completely different thing to admit it out loud, and he has no intentions of doing so.  
   
“You can tell me,” she prompts and leaves no room to doubt she means it.  
  
“It’s just… it’s silly really. I’m just dreaming, that’s all,” and all the intentions in the world are a waste when he’s faced with Caitlyn.  
  
“About a man?”  
  
“Yeah.” He doesn’t look at her now, but studies the envelope in his hand very carefully.  
  
“That’s not silly, Jensen, that’s normal.”  
  
“It’s stupid. I’m just setting myself up to be disappointed. He’s too gorgeous, and too straight! I’m just stupid.”  
  
“You’ve said that already, and I’ll say it again, you are not stupid! You’re a perfectly fine, gay man, and dreaming about another man is just normal. Nothing wrong with dreaming.”  
  
“It is when it’s hopeless.”  
  
“And why would it be hopeless?”  
  
“Didn’t you hear the gorgeous part? And not to mention the straight part?”  
  
“First of all, why wouldn’t a gorgeous man want you?”  
  
He only sends her daggers in response.  
  
“Oh, don’t give me that look! You are stunning, Jensen! Start believing it, or I’ll start being violent.”  
  
“I’m hideous,” is all he can throw back, and he means it with all his heart. He feels nauseas at the thought of his own reflection in the mirror, “I’m a monster.”  
  
“You’re handsome and beautiful, and don’t you dare question my ability to spot a sexy man! I am a very straight woman with a functioning libido, so I do know when I like what I see, and you, Jensen, are a very good looking man!”  
  
He doesn’t know what to say to that. They have had this discussion so many times, but he still knows what he sees in the mirror. His hand works on autopilot and scratches the uneven skin he can feel on his temple.  
  
“Still doesn’t change the fact that he’s straight,” Jensen changes the subject.  
  
“True. Can’t help you there.”

♥♥♥

  
Sunday arrives and Jared has bought beer to offer to his friendly helper. He still can’t believe how Jensen could offer, just after such a short meeting.  
  
Maybe he needs money? Should he offer money for the job? They didn’t discuss any price. He should have offered, shouldn’t he? God, he is such a moron. He definitely should have offered. He needs to do that. Although, he cannot really afford it, not if he is expensive. That’s why he wanted to do it himself in the first place. What if he wants money? How shall he turn down his offer to help if he asks for more than he can pay? God, he’s screwed! Stupid and screwed and obviously not alone anymore since he can spot Jensen in the driveway.  
  
Harley and Sadie have spotted him as well and are greeting him with loud barking.  
  
“Hi,” he says as he opens the door and grabs hold of the dogs’ leashes where they are tied to the porch post at the front of the house. They are jumping at the end of the leash, leaning in as far as they can, and he is surprised they are not choking, the way they are using all their force to fight against the collars around their necks.  
  
“Hi,” Jensen greets him and looks at the dogs skeptically.  
  
“They’re not dangerous, just happy,” Jared assures him, but pulls them back nonetheless.  
  
“They’re beautiful,” Jensen answers and looks up at him from two steps down while pushing the hood back for the first time.  
  
Jared had been wrong. His eyes are not hazel, they are green, and the most amazing eyes Jared has ever seen.


	2. Chapter 2

Jensen steps carefully into Jared’s home. He isn’t quite sure why he is here. He hadn’t meant to offer his help, but his brain had been working overtime and he simply had lost his mind.  
  
His desire to get to know this man overpowered his urge to hide, and for a moment of insanity, he had stepped out from behind his usual shield. Only his mother’s voice in his head telling him to stand by his words forces him to breathe calmly and act like this is no big deal.  
  
He takes a look at the sight that greets him, and has to look long and hard before he can actually observe anything other than his own heartbeat.  
  
The walls are murky brown at best. He assumes they might have been fresh at some point, but now they sport a very uneven color that simply looks dirty. The ceiling seems to be in fine condition though, and the hard wood floor is indeed in good condition, and will be beautiful if they are just being giving a good sanding down.  
  
It’s a rather small living room, and way too dark for his liking. He doesn’t like it when the walls seem to be closing in on him, but he guesses that with a bit of fresh paint, it might be good as new.  
  
“Right this way,” Jared says and points towards the door at the other end of the room. Jensen nods and finds his way across the room and steps into the adjoining room. He is surprised at the size of the room he finds behind the old wooden door. It’s a very good office room indeed, spacey and with plenty of room for both a large desk and shelves to go with it.  
  
The light from the glass doors will make for good working light. The walls that are currently just as dark as the living room walls will be fresh and clean with the help of Coffee Latte, he reads off the label on the paint buckets.  
  
Coffee Latte is a warm light beige color, which in daylight seems almost white, but in shadow adopts a darker beige tint. He has recommended it to customers plenty of times himself, not that he is an expert on picking out colors. He does pick up on tips listening in on Caitlyn advising the customers enough times though.  
  
Caitlyn, on the other hand... she actually has a feel for what color to pick for which room. She collects interior magazines like they are all about to go out of sale. He has already built two new shelves for her to store all her magazines, and if she doesn’t sort through them soon and get rid of some, he thinks he will soon have to build a whole new room dedicated only to her addiction to magazines about home and gardens.  
  
Jared has washed down the walls according to his instructions and has already covered the floors along the walls with floor covers. It is all set up for them to start painting.  
  
“So…” he hears from behind. “How much?” Jared scratches his head just behind the right ear, “Uhm, how much do you want for the job?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“For the job, how much do you want?” Jared looks just as uncomfortable around the subject as Jensen is feeling, and he really doesn’t know how to answer. Money? He didn’t mean to do this for money. Had Jared thought he offered this to get paid?  
  
“I really don’t want your money. I just wanted to...” Okay, here we go, “I honestly don’t know what I was thinking. I just thought you looked like a nice guy, and you’re new in town, and I thought this was a good way to get to know you.”  
  
Okay, that sounded just as awkward as he thought it would do.  
  
“Wow, you are something” Jared stares at him now, lowering his hand that had continued twirling his hair after the scratching was done.  
  
He’s something alright, something weird.  
  
“No, I mean it,” Jared adds, “this is just great. I hope you find it worth your effort to get to know me, though, because I’m really not that interesting.”  
  
♥♥♥  
  
Jared sheds his sweater and throws it down on the off-white textile couch. It looks like something that would be filled with plenty of decorative pillows, but it is currently just holding one blanket, three books and a remote control.  
  
He doesn’t want to ruin his clothes painting so he changes into some old grey sweat pants and a black t-shirt with a band logo. The clothes he was wearing, though, is being carelessly thrown down on the rather new piece of furniture. The sofa is occupying most of the space in the rather small living room.  
  
The three-seater faces the wall containing his TV and DVDs. To the left of the TV is the double door leading into his office, and he can see Jensen standing in the middle of the room, looking around at the job they have waiting.  
  
Like most of his furniture, Sandy picked out the couch when they moved in here, and left it when she moved out. “Too little room in my apartment,” she said, and she rather wanted to pick out something that was perfect for her new place.  
  
Even the TV was Sandy’s choice. A 42” was simply too large for her liking, so a 32” it was.  
  
Guess he was more of a pushover than he thought. Not that he feels that’s how it has been; it’s just been easier that way. Both Sandy and his mom have strong opinions and it’s just as well to surrender immediately, because if he puts up a fight they will just fight back until they have won anyway. So why bother? Why not give up right away and avoid a conflict?  
  
And it’s not like he minded that much. Sure, the off-white couch is a far stretch from the black leather he would have wanted, but it’s not like black leather was that important to him anyway, not like off-white textile obviously was for Sandy. And she did have much more of an eye for interior decorating then he did, so who was he to push his opinions on her?  
  
If he is left with any money after renovating this house, not that he thinks he will be, he will for sure buy a new TV. Maybe a surround system as well.  
  
♥♥♥  
  
“Have you worked in the store a long time?” Jared yells over the music blasting out through the loud speakers.  
  
They have been painting for almost three hours, and have already covered the important issues; like which football teams they support and what kind of music they like. They have also agreed on favorite games on X-box and decided to give Jared’s X-Box a try as soon as he has set it up. He hasn’t bothered yet because he knows that as soon as the office is painted, he has to start on the living room, so he’s just waiting until it is finished and he can finally unpack all his gear.  
  
It’s incredible how well they go together, almost like they are old friends.  
  
Jared didn’t know how much he missed friendly bantering until now. He does miss the friends back home, misses just hanging out with the guys, and having someone to watch the game with or have a beer with on a Saturday night. Yes, you can get new friends when moving away, but it’s not the same as being two houses down from the guys you pulled pranks on when you were ten.  
  
Sure, there are guys at work that he knows, some better than others and some that he thinks will end up as friends when some time has passed. He is still new at the job, though, and is just a bit wary about being too open about private matters at job.  
  
“About ten years.” Jensen looks back at him from the two-step ladder where he’s currently painting along the top of the door frames. “It used to be my brother’s store, and he gave me a job when I first came out here.”  
  
“You‘re not local?” Somehow he thought most people living here were born here. It’s not a place too many move to. It’s good for a vacation, but at the end of summer you return to your home in some city.  
  
“Nah, I’m from Richardson, Texas.”  
  
“Get out of here!” Jared’s voice sounds a bit too much like a squeal for his own liking, “So am I. Not Richardson, but Texas, I mean.”  
  
“Yeah, I can tell by your twang.”  
  
“I guess. You’ve lost yours though.”  
  
“Yeah, too many years away from home.”  
  
“So where are you from in Texas?”  
  
“San Antonio.”  
  
“So what brought you here, then? It’s far away from Texas.”  
  
“My girlfriend. She had a job opportunity in the city that she couldn’t turn down. We didn’t want to live in the city though, wanted to find a bigger place with a garden for the dogs, but of course, far enough away from the city so that we could afford it. This looked like a nice place to live. We decided to give the house, and this place, a chance. Although, she didn’t give it much chance after all. Split after two months. She has an apartment in the city now, and I am left with this,” he swirls his finger around in the air to point out what this is, “Mom is begging me to come home to Texas though, but I kind of like it here, so I‘ve decided to stay.”  
  
“I’m sorry to hear about your girlfriend.” Jensen breaks into Jared’s verbal diarrhea.  
  
“Yeah, me too, but I guess it was just as well it happened now and not after we were married and had 2.4 kids.” He’s surprised how little it hurts talking about it.  
  
“I guess. Must be hard though. Been together long? Sorry, don’t mean to pry, ignore me if I get too personal.”  
  
“Nah, that’s okay. Nothing gets too personal for me. Yeah, we had been together for a while, coming up on ten years actually. She was my high school sweetheart.”  
  
“Wow, that’s a long time.”  
  
“So, what about you? Any girls in your past? Or in the present, you have a girlfriend?”  
  
“No, no. No girlfriends. No boyfriend at the present either. I’m gay.”  
  
“Oh, but there have been boyfriends in the past?”  
  
“Yeah, but nothing serious. And definitely not ten years. Try ten weeks.”  
  
“Not the committing type?”  
  
“No, I like a partner, guess I just haven’t met the right guy yet. You know, you don’t meet too many in a place like this.”  
  
Jensen finishes up his painting and steps down from the ladder, checking that he hasn’t missed any spots.”  
  
“I guess.”  
  
“I think we’re finished,” Jensen concludes and turns to watch Jared stare at the wall, only coming to the same conclusion.  
  
“Say, you want pizza?” Jared asks. “I’m hungry and we have been working a long time. Let me throw a couple of pizzas in the oven and we can eat outside, have a couple of beers. I think we’ve done enough for today anyway.”  
  
“Sure, just let me wash up first,” Jensen says and looks around to see where the bathroom is.  
  
“Down the hall, last door on the left,” Jared tells him.  
  
♥♥♥  
  
The bathroom is small but clean. He switches on the light and gets a flickering light in return.  
  
“Hey Jared,” he yells back, “your bathroom light is about to go out.”  
  
He closes the door before he hears the answer and walks over to the sink to wash of his hands. He can’t help but look up in the mirror placed over the sink, and in the flashing light he is transported back twelve years.  
  
 _The club is fully packed as it usually is on a Saturday night. He has been here a few times before, and he enjoys the feeling of freedom. He can be himself. He doesn’t have to hide.  
  
He lets himself be engulfed in the music. The rhythm is familiar. The beat is pumping through his veins, and he moves with it. With arms stretched up above his head he leans into the pulsing energy that seeps through the club and lifts him up. He doesn’t even notice the hands that sneak around his waist before they caress his stomach and chest. He leans back and falls into the embrace and doesn’t even bother to turn and check whose arms he is in. He only closes his eyes and enjoys.  
  
One song becomes two and he turns around to face bright blue eyes. The guy is tall, even taller than himself. He has a firm jaw and is pretty beyond belief. Jensen lets his arms wrap around his neck and leans in to get a taste of his moist lips.  
  
The guy tilts his head and turns a bit to the right, leaving Jensen’s lips, hitting his cheek instead of the mouth. He can feel the guy’s lips brushing his earlobes as he speaks into his ear, “Wanna take this someplace else?”  
  
Hell yeah.  
  
He’s young. He’s horny. He’s intoxicated and ready to get laid, and most importantly, he has a hunk of a man in his arms.  
  
He is willing to follow him wherever he takes him.  
  
Where he’s taking him turned out to be two blocks away, down an alley where his friends were waiting for him.  
  
He didn’t even see the first hit coming, he did feel it on his jaw though, and it did send him falling to the ground faster than he could react. The second blow he saw coming, but he was overpowered by many men.  
  
They didn’t let him lay on the ground for long though; they lifted him up by the collar, some holding him, some putting in punches. The good thing about being hit so bad is that your body gets numb pretty fast. He didn‘t really notice the individual hits anymore. They all melted together, and he can‘t even remember what really happened. He can only recall flashes of being hit, being kicked in the belly, at one point he was even thrown against a fence.  
  
He does recall seeing a silver blade and hearing a yelling at a distance just before it went completely black.  
  
After that it is all a blur. Small flashes of memory.  
  
A hand on his. Someone lifting him into the ambulance. Kind eyes telling him he’s being taken care of. A siren sounding far away. A gush of cold air as he is being loaded out of the ambulance again. Someone wishing him good luck.  
  
He must have passed out again because the next thing he knows he is waking up in the bed, his mom crying all over him. His body not so numb anymore; now he can feel all the pain, and it is staggering through his body. All he can do is cry in pain, and his mom is frantically hitting the button next to his bed.  
  
A nurse hurries in. She’s adjusting the level of morphine, and thankfully he is falling back into unconsciousness.  
  
Next time he wakes up, the pain is under control. His mom is still by his bedside and now he can also see his dad sitting next to his mom. He learns that a passer-by had seen the attack and called it in.  
  
He is seriously beaten. A couple of ribs cracked, concussion, massive beating to the body, but no internal bleeding. No lasting injuries, and the only scars he would suffer are from a laceration on his temple. Someone had carved him with a knife._  
  
  


  


  
  
“Jensen?”  
  
He’s shaking and he’s nauseous. He kneels in front of the toilet and throws up. In the background he can hear Jared knocking on the door.  
  
“Jensen? Are you okay?”  
  
Jensen wipes his mouth and rinses the face before opening the door.  
  
“Yeah, sorry. I just… I’m not feeling too well, I guess.”  
  
“Anything I can do?” Jared is worried and touches Jensen’s forehead. “Let me check you out, I’m a paramedic.”  
  
“No, thank you. I’ve just caught a bug, I guess. I just, I think I should go home… I’m sorry about this. Hope you’re okay doing the rest alone?”  
  
“Sure. No worries. Sure you don’t want me to check you out? I mean, there’s not much I can do, but I would feel better if I know it isn’t anything serious.”  
  
“No, no, please. I’m okay. Really. See you around.” And with that Jensen grabs his jacket and flees the house, leaving Jared in a daze.  
  


  


  
Jensen doesn’t really care how late it is when he calls and wakes Chris up. He knows he will be forgiven, and that he can call any time if he needs it. This is such a time.  
  
“’ello,” Chris’s voice is muffled in the phone.  
  
“I freaked out,” Jensen states without an introduction.  
  
“Hang on,” Chris says, and Jensen can hear the ruffled noises of Chris getting out of bed. “When?” he finally says.  
  
“Today, I freaked out.”  
  
“Just now?”  
  
“Nah, a few hours ago. I’ve been sitting here fucking falling ever since.”  
  
“Why didn’t you call me sooner?” There is no accusation in Chris’s voice, just honest concern.  
  
“I couldn’t. I just didn’t know what to say.”  
  
“We have talked about this before, when you feel you are falling into that dark place, you call me! Don’t wait!”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“So, wanna tell me what happened?”  
  
No, not really. But there is no use calling Chris if he doesn’t mean to say anything, is there?  
  
“I was at Jared’s.”  
  
“Whoa! The Jared? The guy you have been crushing on for the last month? Good for you, tiger!”  
  
“Yeah, the Jared, and forget about anything else. If there was ever a chance, I have totally fucked it up now.”  
  
“What makes you say that?”  
  
“I just needed to wash up in his bathroom, and the light was flickering. I guess it reminded me of the lights in the club or something. I had flashbacks, and the next thing I know I’m on my knees in front of his toilet getting rid of everything I’ve been eating today.”  
  
“You okay now?”  
  
“Just beating myself up.”  
  
“Don’t, Jensen…”  
  
“I know! I know. It’s not my fault, I am not stupid.” Jensen sighs as he say the words he’s heard so many times.  
  
“And next time you can mean them as well.”  
  
“It’s one thing saying the words, hearing them. Believing them is completely different. I know it’s true, I just don’t feel it. They say talking helps. I talk to you all the time, Chris, and you listen! I can’t believe you even bother putting up with my crap. And it isn’t even helping. I’m so sorry!”  
  
Jensen can feel himself talking himself further down into the pit, and there’s no way he’s ever going to get better. He just knows it.  
  
“Stop right there! And don’t even dare thinking you’re never getting better!”  
  
How did he…? Never mind, he always does.  
  
“It just seems impossible.”  
  
“These things take time, Jensen. And besides, you were brave today! You went to Jared’s, right? That’s a good step for you.”  
  
“And I failed.”  
  
“No, you didn’t. You had a panic attack, but you had a good time before that, right? And the panic attack wasn’t caused by you being with Jared, it was caused by the flickering lights, so it doesn’t count. That could have happened in your own home as well.”  
  
“I guess you’re right.”  
  
“What did you say?”  
  
“I said you are right, moron. Don’t rub it in.”  
  
“Yes, I am. So believe me when I tell you that you will get better, eventually.”  
  
“It’s been twelve years.”  
  
“No, it’s been twelve years since it happened, and twelve years of panic attacks. But it hasn’t been twelve years of getting help for it. Isn’t it about time you seek professional help for this? You know I don’t mind talking to you. You know you can call at any time, and I do mean that, Jensen! But you need real help. I can only help you so much, I don’t really know what I’m saying.”  
  
“But I’ve been fine for a long time. No major panic attacks for almost a year.”  
  
“You haven’t exposed yourself to anything you’re scared of. That’s not getting better, that’s avoiding the problem.”  
  
“God, you’re mean!” Jensen can smile while he says it now.  
  
“And you love me.”  
  
“No, I don’t. You’re ugly.”  
  
“Yeah, yeah. Don’t even care for being liked by a fag like you.”  
  
“Keep telling yourself that, loverboy. So how’s your lady doing anyway?”  
  
“Fine. She turned over and continued snoring when you called. I guess she is dreaming sweet dreams about me.”  
  
“Good for her. Give her a kiss from me, okay?”  
  
“I will. And Jensen…”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Think about getting help, okay?”  
  
“Yeah, it’s just hard.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“So…”  
  
“Will you be okay now?”  
  
“Yeah, I’m better. It’s not so dark anymore. Thanks, Chris.”  
  
“Any time.”  
  
“Thanks. And I do love you.”  
  
“I know! Good night!”  
  
“’Night!”  
  
Jensen can’t go to sleep when he has hung up the phone. He has too many thoughts in his head. There is too much chaos, even though Chris has managed to calm him down.  
  
It’s usually not so important what they talk about, it’s more about breaking the down spiral he’s on, and Chris can do that any time. He doesn’t know where he would have been without Chris.  
  
Chris was there when he came home back then as well.  
  
His parents had picked him up at the hospital, driven him home, and on the steps to their house was Chris, waiting for him to come home. The 18-year-old boy, who was trying to prove to the world that he was a man, had wrapped his arms around him and cried. They had stood like that for a long time, and have never talked about it since. But they both knew, and the bond between them has been stronger ever since.  
  
♥♥♥  
  
It’s almost closing time the next day when Jared walks into Jensen’s store. He looks carefully around but he can’t see Jensen anywhere. It doesn’t take long though before Jensen pops out through a back door that he hasn’t noticed before. The store’s storage room, he guesses.  
  
“Jared, hi,” Jensen says carefully.  
  
“Hi,” Jared says, not sure how to start this conversation. It is obvious Jensen is embarrassed, although he has no reason to be. “How’re you doing?”  
  
“Fine, thanks.” Jensen scratches his head and starts fidgeting with some pots in the shelves. They were perfectly lined up, but they apparently need re-stocking.  
  
“You’re not sick anymore?”  
  
“Nah, must have been some twenty-four hour bug or something.” Jensen doesn’t want to meet his eyes.  
  
“Okay, good. I just wanted to check in on you, you didn’t look too well when you left yesterday.”  
  
“Yeah, sorry about bolting like that.”  
  
“No problem.”  
  
♥♥♥  
  
He’s about to close up when Jensen hears the bell and peeks out through the door to see Jared walk in.  
  
“Shit,” he mutters under his breath before he walks out of the storage room and politely greets him. His body tenses up and tells him to run, and to do it fast.  
  
He really likes Jared, and he wants to make a good impression. He wants to look confident and interesting when he talks to him. He doesn’t want to make a fool of himself, and he feels he is failing miserably. His heart is racing and only his willpower is preventing the hands from shaking. He can hardly hear what Jared is telling him through the blood rushing in his ears. He swallows hard to ease the nausea that arises, and he smiles and tells him that “No, he hasn’t been sick anymore.”  
  
Jared is studying him intensely for a moment and Jensen feels the urge to lift his hand and touch his scar. Although it’s completely numb, he can still feel the phantom itch of it when he feels eyes on him. It stretches from his hairline above his left eye and down past his temple and fades out at the cheek. Like a broken mask. His image was broken that day, shattered into pieces, and the pieces are only glued together with rough edges pressing against each other. Hideous. Ugly. Trash. Forever marked for what he had done.


	3. Chapter 3

It takes more than a week before they cross paths again.  
  
Jensen watches him walk towards the store even before he comes in. He has in fact kept an eye out for him in hope of spotting him, seeing as it is 11.30 already. He didn’t expect Jared to make a detour to his store instead of just sitting down on his usual bench at the pier.  
  
“Hi,” Jensen greets him when Jared walks through the door about a minute later. He forces himself to smile, even though he really feels like hiding.  
  
“Hi,” Jared responds and flashes him a smile. “Did you see me from the window?” Jared nods towards the glass walls to the street.  
  
“Yeah.” He doesn’t add that he keeps an eye out for him every day. No need to come off as a stalker.  
  
“Great.” Jared throws him another smile and Jensen feels his own smile become somewhat more genuine.  
  
“So, what can I do for you?” Jensen asks retaining the role as a store manager.  
  
“Nothing, dude. I just wondered if you wanted to have lunch with me. If you got time, that is?”  
  
“Oh.” Jensen doesn’t know what to say. Yes, he wants to scream, but on the other hand he feels like running as far as he can. Fuck, he thinks, I’m not ready.  
  
He wants to make a good impression on Jared, but panicking every time he sees him isn’t helping him to accomplish that. He won’t make a good impression if he sits there sweating and shaking all over. And what if he throws up? God, what if he throws up on Jared? That would be the death of him.  
  
“So? You want to?” Jared asks again when Jensen fails to answer.  
  
“I…” Jensen stutters, “I don’t have time,” he finally says.  
  
“Okay, another time maybe?” Jared turns to leave the store, and Jensen thinks that time will never come.  
 ♥♥♥

  


Jared eats his lunch in piece but can’t find the serenity in his surroundings when the thoughts of Jensen keep churning in his head.

Jared is a friendly guy. He likes to keep friends with everybody, and just because they’re strangers doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. And besides, Jensen, even though practically a stranger, is in fact the closest person he has to a friend in this town. So he does care. He worries, and most of all, he wants to help.

Sandy used to tell him that he was more concerned about others than himself. He’s not so sure about that; it’s more that he has had nothing to be worried about for himself. He had a great childhood, a family that loves him and a steady girlfriend since high school.

So, he lost the girl.

His mom has been all concerned since Sandy left. She wanted him to come home to Texas to be with his family. He doesn’t want to, though. He has found his home here.

Or, well, Sandy found his home here.

When they went to look at the house, he could only see how much work it needed, but she saw the potential. She saw what was behind its shattered impression.

And she saw the garden.

A large garden surrounded by trees and in the middle of the garden, an impressive oak.

He has always dreamt about an oak in his back yard.

His grandparents used to have one and when he was a little boy, he used to think that the oak had an old soul.

It was magnificent, carrying its canopy as it held all the answers in life. It has looked down on two generations of Padaleckis growing up, learning both their joys and sorrows, watching them find love and grief, and working their way through hard times. It has witnessed a family in change, and seen how life has molded and sculptured the people they are today.

It is a massive tree and they needed five ten-year-old boys to reach around it. Sometimes when they wanted to hold a girl’s hand, (not when they were ten mind you, girls were yucky back then, but surely when they were fourteen), they would ask the girls to try to reach around the oak with them. And if the girls were especially cute, they would try this for a very long time.

The oak held the tree house where he got his very first kiss. It had shielded him from the sun when he looked through his comic books, and it had been the shelter for his dogs when they needed shadow to doze in on a lazy summer day.

He had an oak in his garden now. It hadn’t watched his family grow, but it had watched all the people living in the house, and it makes him feel connected to the place, knowing that the oak holds the place’s soul. He feels protected knowing that he will take shelter in its shadow, hidden under its massive canopy.

♥♥♥

  


Jensen watches Jared from the window. He looks peaceful where he sits on the bench eating the sandwich he has brought with him. He looks out on the sea, and Jensen can almost feel the calm from the ocean seep in through the glass windows and embrace him with its salty wind and pungent smell. But only almost; in here Jensen is safe behind a shelter of glass, covering him from both the wind and the watchful eyes of Jared.

He doesn’t look like he has a worry in the world where he sits, most of all he looks confident and calm, anything but what Jensen is currently feeling.

He wants to kick himself for turning down lunch.

Busy, yeah right! Like there has been nothing but quiet down-time all day. In fact it has been so quiet that there is no need to be two in the store.

“Mind if I take a couple of hours off?” he shouts back to Caitlyn who is currently standing with her head down in a shipment of kitchen utilities.

“Nah, go ahead,” she tells him but reminds him to be back before three.

  


♥♥♥

  


Jensen walks out the back door of the store and passes the garbage containers and Caitlyn’s car to get to the stairs leading up to his apartment.

It’s a small apartment, but it’s his. Josh and he worked on it together and made a nice bachelor nest for him when it was apparent that he would stay in town.

For the first six months though he had lived in Josh and Caitlyn’s guest room. His parents had sent him out here; “Better not be in the spotlight, honey,” his mom had said. He had felt rejected then. He had felt that instead of protecting him, they had sent him away, thrown him out of their lives. He had felt so hurt, so alone, and he had been angry.

He wasn’t used to telling his parents no, though, so even though he was hurt and angry, he didn’t raise his voice against them. And to be honest, he didn’t feel the need to do so. He thought that he didn’t want to be where he wasn’t wanted anyway.

In the shadow of his silence, the anger grew to an unbearable wound inside him. It had boiled under the surface and he had unconsciously taken it out on the one man that had taken care of him; his brother.

Josh had listened to him in the beginning. He had let him go on and on about how unreasonable their parents were, but after a while he had tried to reason with him, talking to him, tried to change his mind, and he had yelled at him more than once.

He was a patient man, Josh, but even he had a limit when his brother acted like a spoiled kid; whining when everyone around him tried to give him help, but he was too self-absorbed to notice.

In the end, Josh had told him that he was more than welcome to pack his things and go back to Texas if that’s what he wanted. He explained that mom and dad would love to take him in again, but if he did go back, he had to be prepared to stand up for himself.

He hadn’t been able to face his friends, the community, and the neighbors.

He had watched his own face on the front of all the newspapers and he had found it all to be unreal. He couldn’t understand that the kid they wrote about was him, and he had run, not even looking back.

In his behind, he left a wounded mother that missed her son, but that was willing to be separated from him for his own good.

Josh had finally gotten through to him.

His parents hadn’t sent him away because they were ashamed of him, they had sent him away because they loved him and wanted to protect him from the world, and the best way they knew how to do that was to send him to his brother.

And he was protected here. He was safe amongst the locals. They all knew him and accepted him because any member of Josh and Caitlyn’s family was accepted by default.

He was protected behind the borders of this town, but maybe these walls did not only protect him from the world. Maybe they also kept him in?

Maybe it was time he stopped protecting himself so much?

Maybe it was time he stopped letting the fear controlling his life?

For once he has found something, someone, worth stepping out of his shell for, and here he is, hiding in his apartment, looking down on this man eating his lunch in silence.

  
  


It’s been four days since last time he sat here when Jared hears footsteps coming closer and stops right behind him.

“Mind if I sit down?” Jensen asks before joining him on the bench. He sighs as he leans back, and stretches out his legs.

“No dude, that’s great.” Jared looks down on Jensen’s feet and notices the jeans are frayed at the bottom of the legs. “How are you doing? Have you been sick again?” he asks and looks back up to Jensen’s face.

“No,” he mumbles around his sandwich and shakes his head.

“Good,” Jared nods, “good.”

They sit silent and for a while it feels good. One thought keeps churning in his head, though, and Jared can feel it growing stronger by the second. He knows he has to say something but doesn’t know how to start.

“Look, Jensen…” He doesn’t get much further before he loses his courage. He doesn’t want to overstep any boundaries.

“What?” Jensen wipes his chin with the heel of his hand and tries to catch a falling piece of lettuce soaked in mayo before it lands on his jeans. He doesn’t succeed.

“Just tell me to shut up, okay? But what I saw that Sunday, you know, when you came out of the bathroom. Tell me I’m wrong, but that looked like a panic attack to me.”

There, it’s said.

He can hear as well as see Jensen take a deep inhale before moving an inch down on the bench. The tremor is barely noticeable, but Jared sees it in his hands holding the sandwich and Jensen is starting to tear the paper it’s wrapped in. He lays his hand on Jensen’s and gives him a comforting squeeze.

“It’s okay,” he says, “I didn’t mean to pry, and you don’t have to tell me. I just want you to know, that if it was in fact a panic attack, and I did anything to trigger it, you can talk to me, so that I can avoid doing the same thing in the future.”

He makes sure to hold on to his hand while saying this, and he deliberately doesn’t look away. Instead he tries to catch Jensen’s eyes, even though Jensen keeps his head low and eyes fixed on his shoes.

“I won’t be offended,” he continues, “I promise. I know they are triggered by things that aren’t always rational, so I promise you I won’t think anything bad of you, or take anything personally. Okay?”

“Yeah.” Jensen grabs hold of his hand as well.

“Yeah, what?”

“Yeah, it was a panic attack.” Jensen finally raises his eyes and looks at him.

“Okay.” Jared lets him hold on to his hand; he doesn’t think Jensen even knows he holds it. “Are you ready to talk about it?”

“No, not really.” Jensen shakes his head and breathes out.

“I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to upset you.” Jared looks at him carefully to see if there are any signs of panic, but he seems to be fine now.

“No, that’s okay. Actually it’s good that you know. Then I don’t have to worry about you finding out.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s the worst part, you know, always being scared of people noticing.”

“I can imagine.”

Jensen just sits there for a minute, still holding on to Jared. His sandwich seemingly forgotten and eyes set on the sea.

“It wasn’t you,” he finally says.

“Okay?”

“I’m really not ready to talk about it, but it wasn’t you. It was the flickering lights in your bathroom. So, you can stop worrying about doing anything wrong. You have been perfect.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah. So… ” Jensen looks down for a minute and suddenly seems to notice their joined hands. “Oh my god, I’m sorry, I should let you have your hand back now.”

“Thank you, but really, no problem. It was a bit cold anyway, kind of you to warm it for me.”

“Any time,” Jensen laughs and winks at him. The serious mood between them is broken and Jared realize he’s actually being flirted with by a gay man. Huh, that’s a first, well, that he knows of, anyway. And he feels himself reddening and looks away, slightly embarrassed.

  


♥♥♥

  


Jensen watches Jared blush and the light brushstrokes of pink in his cheeks make him all the more adorable. His heart is beating rapidly, both from the nervousness he’s feeling and from the excitement of seeing Jared all flushed.

“So, do you need help fixing up the living room as well?”

  


Jared takes the stairs two steps at the time. He’s loaded with beer and nachos and ready to beat Jensen in Madden. They had agreed on setting up the x-box at Jensen’s until Jared has finished renovating his living room.

With both a floor to sand down and walls to paint, they realized it would take too long waiting for the room to be finished; they needed some game nights before that.

He fed the dogs and tended to their needs before he went, and he is all ready for a night of worriless banter.

Jensen opens the door almost immediately, and Jared is lead into a small living room. It’s nice and cozy and not overly tidy; just as he likes it.

The living room opens up to a small kitchenette to the right of the entrance door, and he can see a small sleeping alcove at the back of the apartment.

The colors are light and the windows are surprisingly large and without curtains, and they makes a magnificent panorama to the sea. They look much larger than they appear from the outside. The view is outstanding, and they face out towards the harbor and the pier. He can see at least a dozen masts from small sailboats anchored up at the small boat harbor at the very end of the bay.

It is pitch dark outside and the street lights along the walk are reflecting in the water and make an illusion of a thousand stars shining up on you.

He’s drawn to the picture in front of him and forgets where he is for a moment.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” He is startled by Jensen’s voice so close to him and lift his eye to meet Jensen’s in the reflection in the window.

“Very.”

  


♥♥♥

Jensen is having a good time and is even starting to relax when Jared wins for the second time.

“I’m the champion, just admit it!” Jared jumps up and dances around with his arms flapping in the air like a lunatic.

“Pure luck,” Jensen bites back.

“Twice,” Jared holds up two fingers to underline his point, “twice I tell you! No luck involved! It’s pure talent. I am a God! GOD!”

Jensen laughs and jumps up to get them some more beer. ”Yeah, you’re a god alright! So can I offer the god some beer?”

“Yes please.” Jared sits down again, looking at Jensen, who is sticking his head into the fridge to pull out two chilled bottles of Corona.

“Been a long time since I relaxed this much,” Jared admits when Jensen plops down on the sofa next to him.

“Yeah, me too.” They both laugh and smile when Jared suddenly goes silent and lifts his hand to touch Jensen’s face.

  


♥♥♥

Jared traces Jensen’s scar with his fingers. It feels rugged and uneven, but not hard. He wonders if Jensen can feel his trace, or if it’s all numb underneath. The look of horror in Jensen’s eyes once he put his hands on his face is enough for him to start retracting his hand, but he’s happy to see Jensen’s not moving back.

He wants to touch it some more.

He has a hard time staring into his eyes. He’s drowning in those eyes, mesmerizing jade drawing him in.

It’s been all he can see when he looks at Jensen, and he’s honestly surprised he hasn’t noticed the scar until now. It’s not a massive scar, but on anyone but Jensen it would have been noticeable. On Jensen though, it only makes him human; an imperfection that makes him even more beautiful.

He’s the most beautiful person Jared has ever seen; man or woman. And it’s a shock, though not unpleasant, when he realizes that he finds Jensen to be unbelievably sexy. He’s drawn to this man, it’s not possible not to be, he’s Jensen.

His eyes go back to the scar, and he asks, “What’s this?”

  


♥♥♥

Jensen’s immediate response is to pull back, but he forces himself to sit still.

What he sees in Jared’s eyes is not repulsion, just curiosity and kindness.

“It’s a scar,” Jensen says and states the obvious.

“I can see that,” Jared answers as he removes his fingers. Jensen instantly misses the touch and wants to his hand back. But he doesn’t move, he simply tells him it’s from an attack.

“Were you hurt? Other than your face I mean?” Jared doesn’t avoid his gaze, but keeps his eyes locked to his the entire time. The hazel eyes that stare back at him look so familiar. So comforting, and he can feel the tears sting behind his own eyes.

“Not physically, no. I mean, I was beaten pretty bad, but nothing that didn’t heal.”

“But mentally, that’s another story?”

“I was scared, I guess. I feel guilty.”

“Guilty?”

”Yeah, I… I was drunk. I was stupid. I should have known better than to follow that kid home. Everything mom was scared would happen happened because I was drunk out of my mind. I know better, Jared, I knew, yet there I was willing to throw all cautions aboard because I wanted to get laid. Mom didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve seeing my face all over the newspapers when the trial came up. She didn’t deserve having my dirty little secret plastered all over the news, informing everyone I was simply a horny little fag. Mom, who’s the kindest person in this world, she didn’t deserve that!”

”But you did?”

“It was my doing, Jared, I did this to myself, but mom had to deal with the consequences. I ran. I moved here as soon as I could. I fled as soon as I cold. I wanted it; I took the chance as soon as it was offered. And I left them to deal with the gossip.”

“And you think everyone that’s drunk and get attacked deserves it? Every girl that gets raped deserves it if she’s drunk? Or if she’s dressed a bit too provocatively?”

“Of course not!” Jensen spits out. “Of course not,” he repeats more calmly. ”I know this doesn’t make any sense. I know that it wasn’t technically my fault. That I didn’t ask for it, but it doesn’t ease the guilt. It doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t take precautions that day. And it doesn’t change the fact that it did put mom and dad through a lot of pain.”

“And I won’t deprive you of that pain, it’s yours to own, but have you talked to anyone about this? Really talked? Or do you carry it alone?”

“Yeah, I have Chris, my friend, and now you? And yeah, it helps talking about it, at least a little bit. You know, unless I freaks out, that is, then all reason is gone, but you have already witnessed that.”

“Yes, I have. So this was it, huh? This was what happened that day, in my bathroom?”

“Yeah. The flashing lights reminded me of the flashing lights at the night club I guess. I had flashbacks and just lost it. God, I was so embarrassed afterwards.”

“Don’t be. And next time, if there is a next time, please don’t run. Talk to me instead. Do you think you can do that?”

Jensen thinks about it. He pictures himself panicking. He can feel the way his breathing gets shorter and the urge to flight emerges. He can feel the need to be safe, to hide, and to get away. And he can also feel how Jared would be safe.

“Yeah, I think I can do that,” he says and smiles, knowing that he has just found yet another person to be safe with.

 

♥♥♥

Jensen has restless dreams that night. He dreams about hazel eyes holding on to his when he’s loaded into the ambulance; a warm hand holding his on the frantic trip to the hospital when he floated in and out of consciousness. He dreams of a soft voice telling him good luck and to get better. A safe comforting person when his world was in chaos.

And he dreams of Jared holding on to his hands when he needs an anchor; Jared’s eyes, golden with honey holding on to his and comforting him when he’s on the edge of the abyss ready to fall in. Jared’s voice drawing him back with his soothing tone and words that build a platform under his feet.

He dreams of heaven and hell, and wakes up knowing that he no longer has a crush on Jared, no, he has fallen in love.

  


♥♥♥

  
  
Jared can’t fall asleep. All he can think about is Jensen’s green eyes, and equal parts of him are happy and scared when he realizes that he has fallen in love with a guy.


	4. Chapter 4

Jensen sits on Jared’s porch, waiting. He can hear the dogs move around inside, and he looks at the watch for the fourth time in just as many minutes. They had agreed on meeting up thirty minutes ago but Jared is nowhere to be found.  
  
He wouldn’t stand him up, would he?  
  
That would be bullshit. You don’t stand someone up by running off from your own home when they show up to help you restore your living room floor, now do you?  
  
God, what if something has happened? What if he’s laying dead in a ditch somewhere dying? No one would notify him, so there is no way he would know. He’s starting to feel worried and scared.  
  
It reminds him way too much of the day he waited for Josh to come home.  
  
He was sitting in Josh and Caitlyn’s coach watching TV and thinking about moving home to Texas. He had made up his mind; he wanted to go back home to face the rumors and to stay home where he belonged. He had been hiding too long, living in this small town, working in his brother’s shop.  
  
Josh had meant the world for him during the two years he had been here. It was only meant to be a short stay for him to collect himself.  
  
As time had passed, the depression had grown deeper, and the anxiety took hold of him. The anxiety of what his friends would say had transformed into a general anxiety about meeting people, even strangers. He was convinced they could see the shame in his face, see his guilt edged into his skin when they spotted the angry red scar. He was disgusted about his own reflection in the mirror.  
  
He knows Josh wanted to yell at him so many times and sometimes he even did.  
  
Mom and Dad had done everything they could to protect him, but Josh, may he rest in peace, wouldn’t help Jensen lull himself deeper into the depression. He was convinced the only thing that would help Jensen was to force him to expose himself to what he was scared of.  
  
Not that Jensen was happy about that, but at the same time, he knew Josh was right.  
  
But Josh would not let him off easily. He would make him serve customers even though Jensen would rather hide in the back. Okay, so they agreed on a compromise; he could hide in the hood of his sweater, but he had to go out there and talk to them, actually facing them and making conversation.  
  
The first times he just wanted to throw up, and a few times he had even given up and run out letting Josh take over. Josh’s stubbornness though, had aced Jensen’s anxiety, and slowly Jensen got used to playing the role as a hardware store clerk without feeling the urge to flee.  
  
He never really felt comfortable about it, but he could accept showing more symptoms of anxiety without feeling like he would die. He could live with reveling a trembling voice and blushing face if he felt anxious. What he could not take, though, was people staring at his face, so the hood would stay.  
  
Slowly but steadily he and Josh built up his confidence, even to the point where he would consider going back to Texas to face his life. The world seemed to be good to him again, up until the day Josh didn’t return from the sea.  
  
One week every year he would take time off from the store to join some local fishermen catching blue crab. He would feel relaxed and energetic when he came back, and that hard work would give him more energy than any beach in Mexico could ever do.  
  
There would always be a large crab feast the day he came back, and Jensen and Caitlyn had prepared for it all day. They had put up the long tables in the back yard, stocked up on soda and beer, and Caitlyn had even baked a couple of cakes. She was about to lie down a while before the guests would arrive when the priest and the sheriff showed up on her doorstep.  
  
Josh wasn’t expected home just yet, so no one had started to worry.  
  
They wouldn’t have known anything was wrong if it weren’t for the mayday received by another fishing boat.  
   
It would take four more hours before they would find out what had happened.  
  
Apparently the crew of the boat had been surprised by bad weather out on sea. It seemed like they had tried to turn around and come back to shore, but the sea had caught them.  
  
It would be a week before they found the first body, another day before they found the other. Josh and two more would get their graves in the sea.  
  
The world had turned that day. The man that had taken care of his family, his brother, the most amazing man in the world, was gone. The rock of Jensen’s life was ripped away.  
  
Jensen could not comprehend how he had escaped death years prior, while his brother had not been spared. He couldn’t grasp the injustice of why God would snatch his brother away while fishing, while he had protected Jensen while sleeping around.  
  
Jensen would have done anything to trade place with Josh. It was unfair, it was cruel, and it was not bearable that the man they all loved, the one that meant the world to so many was being taken, while he had survived.  
  
Jensen just wanted to die as well.  
  
He couldn’t though. He could not! However much he wanted to.  
  
Left to live were Caitlyn and three children.  
  
Or, live? It was mere existence now.  
  
Josh’s children, his legacy, were now Jensen’s responsibility and he needed to tend to them now. He could no longer feel sorry for himself. He had to get a grip and make sure that, even though life had turned out a hell of a lot different than Josh had hoped for, Josh’s children would have all the opportunities in life.  
  
He had to make sure that one day, when they were grown; they would have the opportunity to take over their dad’s store if they wanted to.  
  
He needs to make sure that even though their father is gone, they won’t see less of their mom just because she has to work now. He has made sure she can work around their school schedule so that whatever’s left of their family has as much time together as possible.  
  
He makes sure the kids get to know their father through all the stories he tells them about him. He feels greatly rewarded watching Josh’s kids grow up to be confident young men, and he knows that even if he himself will never be a father, he will still always have kids to be proud of.  
  
On most days, the good memories of his brother overshadow the grief caused by thinking about Josh, and time has lessened the pain. But the memories are vivid when he waits for Jared: the only other man in this town that has come close enough to gain Jensen’s trust. He’s the only stranger that has ever been this close and the first man that has managed to Lure him out from behind his invisible shield.  
  
He’s about to panic when Jared’s car finally pulls up in the drive way, fifty-three minutes late. Jensen jumps out, relieved to see him, at the same time overpowered with anger for putting him through such a scare.  
  
“Where the fuck have you been?” he yells before he collects himself. Jared seems startled by the sudden outburst, but shakes his head in an apology none the less.  
  
“Jensen, I am so sorry…” he starts, but Jensen cuts him off.  
  
“No, I’m sorry, I had no right yelling like that.”  
  
“No, that’s okay. I was late leaving work. It was crazy today. It was a fire in an apartment complex, and we were the first ambulance on the scene. First car in is the last car out, so we had to wait until all firemen were out of the building and the fire department released up. I would have called you, but my cell ran out of batteries. I’m so sorry!” Jared manages to speak it all in one breath, and Jensen has to struggle to catch all the words.  
  
“No, I’m sorry.” Jensen shakes his head. “I just freaked out, I started thinking about when Josh died, and I kind of lost it there for a while.”  
  
“It’s okay. Don’t worry.”  
  
Jensen had told Jared about Josh, and he knew Jared wouldn’t put him through this on purpose; it was just the adrenalin pumping through his veins that made him react so strongly.  
  
“Nah, I was just thinking about your dogs, you know,” Jensen jokes, “They would probably miss you if something happened, that’s all.”  
  
“Yeah, they probably will,” Jared laughs and slaps Jensen on the shoulder. “Let’s let those monsters out, shall we, before we have to clean up a whole lot of dog poo in there.”  
  


♥♥♥

  
Jared grabs Harley and Sadie’s leashes to give them a short walk before starting on the living room floor. He’s tired, much more so than he appreciates. His shift has gone over by hours, and he hasn’t slept in nearly twenty-four hours.  
  
The fire site had been crazy. The flames had stood high above the roof and out of the windows in two apartments. For a while, there was uncertainty whether or not there was anyone inside the burning apartments, and smoke divers had searched the building. Luckily all residents had managed to get out on their own.  
  
The ambulances had to stay on the scene until all the firefighters were out of the burning building, though, and the shift stretched far beyond its scheduled hours and hadn’t ended until early in the morning.  
  
This was something he was used to, and everyone living with a paramedic knew this could happen. He hadn’t thought of informing Jensen about it though, and while watching the flames licking their way up the wall he knew he had to get in touch with Jensen to tell him he would possibly be late.  
  
It never entered his thoughts to cancel their appointment; he wanted to see Jensen too much, but he must at least let the guy know that he would be late.  
  
It was therefore a huge disappointment when he noticed he had let his cell run out of batteries, and borrowing someone else’s phone would do no good since he didn’t know Jensen’s number by heart, and neither had he actually caught the guy’s last name.  
  
He had been so angry with himself when driving home, and the relief when he saw Jensen sitting on his front porch waiting was profound.  
  
He was taken by surprise by the sudden outburst. But when you put his guilt together with the knowledge of Jensen’s past, he couldn’t do anything but think that he deserved every lecture coming his way.  
  
“Thank you for waiting,” he says and hands Jensen Harley’s leash.  
  
“Well, I guess it didn’t seem like such a long wait, considering I spent half of it freaking out and kind of got lost in my own thoughts.”  
  
“Yeah, sorry about that.”  
  
“Nah, we have already covered that.”  
  
“So, you’re okay now?”  
  
“Yeah, just missing Josh a little bit more than usual.”  
  
“You were close?”  
  
“Yeah, we didn’t used to be, but after I came here, he truly became my closest family and friend, all in one person. He wouldn’t take my crap, so he pushed me all the time to be better, to stand up for myself.”  
  
“That’s good.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“I could never have done that.” Jared looks down as he says it, scratching his neck.  
  
“What? Push me, or stand up for yourself?”  
  
“Both, I guess. Or, I don’t know. I guess I could push you to a certain extent if I knew it was best for you, but I could never stand up for myself.”  
  
“Never?”  
  
“No, I just… I tend to let everyone else be right all the time. Don’t know, seems easier, I guess.”  
  
“You shouldn’t, you know.” Jensen glances at him, making sure he knows he is sincere.  
  
“I know.”  
  
“So, why do you?”  
  
“Seems easier than to face a fight, I guess.”  
  
“But it doesn’t always have to lead to a fight, does it?”  
  
“Nah. Hell, how would I know?” Jared laughs, “But no, I guess not. It’s just, why is it my opinion that should matter? If I disagree with someone, I usually just let the other one be right. At least, if it’s about personal opinions. Like, whenever Sandy and I wanted different things, it was just more convenient letting her have her way than knowing that she had to do what I wanted.”  
  
“Would she get angry with you if you didn’t follow her wishes?”  
  
“Sandy? No. Oh no, she wouldn’t. It was just me feeling I didn’t have the right to make a decision for her. Funny thought… I think that’s what made us break up, or well, her break up with me. She was sick of me never taking responsibility. And the ironic thing is, now that I live on my own, I am starting to realize how amazing it is actually to make the decisions. Wish I had discovered that sooner.”  
  
“Do you miss her?”  
  
“Yeah, yeah I do.”  
  


♥♥♥

  
  
  
“Jared, can I ask you something?” Jensen asks as he prepares the floor sander for work. They have decided to sand down the hard wood floors, and luckily for Jared, Jensen is “renting him” the equipment for free. He is also going to be the person handling the equipment, because neither of them even dare think about what could happen if they left Jared anywhere near motorized tools after he tried the edge sander and ended up patching up his own finger after almost sanding down his own fingerprints.  
  
“Sure.” Jared makes sure the plastic covers on both doors leading into the room are thoroughly secured so that no dust will slip though.  
  
“This may sound a bit weird, but… have you ever worked in New York? As a paramedic, I mean?” Jensen fixes his eyes on the machine in front of him.  
  
“No.” Jared shakes his head. “Never. Why do you ask?”  
  
“Nothing, it’s just stupid. And besides, you would be a bit young for that, I guess…”  
  
Although he cannot stop thinking about how that faceless person in his memory has started looking like Jared.  
  
“No, come on, there must be a reason you asked, what is it?”  
  
“Nah, you just, well your eyes just remind me of someone. I just remember… Well… from when I was attacked, I don’t remember much from actually being picked up, but I do remember some amazing eyes, and a warm hand holding me in the ambulance. I cannot put a face to it, it’s just the eyes, and it’s like looking into them again when I look at you.”  
  
Jared stops what he is doing and looks at Jensen in awe. “Are you telling me I have amazing eyes?”  
  
Shit, he’s blushing now. He can feel the heat rise in his cheeks, but has to play it cool.  
  
“I, uhum, yeah, guess I am,” he says in what he hopes is a casual tone.  
  
“Well, thank you.” Jared beams and Jensen is surprised when he even winks to him when he adds, “So do you, by the way.”  
  
Did Jared just flirt with him?  
  
“Erhm… thanks,” Jensen stutters and starts up the machine before either of them can make another remark.  
  


♥♥♥

  
Jared listens to the noise of the sander machine working and throws a glance over at Jensen as often as he can. They smile when their eyes meet, and Jared feels the heat rising every time he sees that beautiful smile spread to Jensen’s eyes.  
  
He’s surprised how _not_ scared he is. He would have thought he would have freaked out when falling in love with a man. He has never even considered being interested in men before  
  
But then, he hasn’t been looking for anyone to fall in love with, either.  
  
Being with Sandy has been comfortable. It has been safe, and it has been more a habit than anything else. The spark was never there. It was not even close to what he feels now, and he doesn’t even know Jensen that well yet. Still, they have more chemistry than he and Sandy could muster up in all their years combined.  
  
He can’t help but wonder if that’s how Sandy felt  as well. He sure doesn’t blame her for leaving, not if she realized how much they were not a couple. And he guesses she did know that; she has always been smart.  
  
He grabs his cell, points to it and then points out the door and sees Jensen nodding at him.  
  
Once outside and away from the noise, he calls her for the first time in months.  
  
He listens to the ring tone and pictures her digging into her purse to find it.  
  
“Hello?” he hears her pick up.  
  
“Hi, Sandy,” he says and notices how good it is to hear her voice.  
  
“Jared, anything wrong?” He thinks it sad that they haven’t kept in touch so that she would think he wouldn’t call unless there was something wrong.  
  
“No, Sandy, nothing is wrong. I just wanted to hear your voice.”  
  
“Oh, well, here I am,” she sounds unsure of what to say, and he can picture her nibbling on her lower lip.  
  
“I miss you, you know,” he says lovingly into the phone.  
  
“Jared,” she says in a warning voice.  
  
“No, don’t worry,” he interrupts her, “I don’t want us to get back together. I see that now, that you were right in leaving. But I miss you in my life, as a friend.”  
  
“Yeah, me too,” she almost whispers, as if she’s afraid of admitting it.  
  
“I’m sorry for all I did.”  
  
“No, don’t be, we were two, we didn’t work out.” Her voice is stronger now.  
  
“We really didn’t, did we? I am sorry I didn’t see it sooner. I’m sorry that you were the one that had to make the decision; it couldn’t have been easy on you! I thought we were good, I was happy with you. Happy just being taken care of, but I never really saw you, did I?”  
  
“I don’t think we really saw each other, Jared. We just thought we belonged together, but we never did.”  
  
“Are you happy now?”  
  
“Yes, Jared, I am. Are you?”  
  
“Yeah, I think I am. I think I will be.”  
  
“Have you met someone?” She actually sounds happy now.  
  
“Yes, I have, not that we’re dating or anything. But I think we’re both interested.”  
  
“Go for it, Jared, you deserve someone who loves you, and someone you love as well.”  
  
“I will.”  
  
“Good.”  
  
“And Sandy?”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“Do you think we can stay friends?”  
  
There’s a pause before she answers, “I would like that very much.”  
  
She hangs up on him and he stares at the phone for a while like she would mysteriously appear again if he just stared long enough.  
  
Sometimes he wondered how Sandy had done it, always making the right decisions, picking the perfect spot for him, even though he didn‘t know it himself.  
  
She was right, Sandy, that he hadn’t done his part in their relationship. He thought he had. He thought by not fighting her decisions, he had made it easy for her; he had never seen that by doing that, she was left with all the responsibility as well.  
  
He needs to stay here now, in this house Sandy had picked out because she knew he would love it. And he needs to stay here to learn to be his own man, and not run back to Texas, to his family, and to his mother’s wings.  
  
And strangely enough, it feels more like freedom than burden to stand on his own.  
  


♥♥♥

  
“I meant what I said, Jensen. You are beautiful. Not just your eyes, but all of you.”  
  
Jared has made chili for them and they eat it outside on the patio. They have been eating in silence, but now that their needs have been tended to, Jared obviously feels the need to talk.  
  
Jensen almost crawls into himself when Jared compliments him; compliments make him uncomfortable.  
  
“Thank you,” he whispers, not sure where Jared wants to go with this. He can feel his heart start beating again, and he’s not sure whether it’s with happiness or anxiety.  
  
“I get it that you are insecure because of your scar, but honestly, Jensen, I didn’t even notice it. Yes, I know it’s there, but it’s not what people look at when they see you; It’s your eyes. I see your eyes; I’m drawn to them.”  
  
“What are you saying?” Jensen doesn’t even want to look at him now.  
  
“Am I reading you wrong?” Jared doesn’t retract his eyes, but draws Jensen’s gaze back with his; it‘s impossible for him to retract his eyes.  
  
“In what?”  
  
“Do we having something here, or am I the only one that feels something? Am I making a fool out of myself now?”  
  
“No.” Jensen shakes his head and admits it, although with a racing heart. “No, you’re not the only one.”  
  
“Good.” Jared smiles and takes Jensen’s hand. He’s tracing Jensen’s thumb with his own. Jensen’s urge to retract his hand is overpowered by the need to touch Jared. Always touch Jared!  
  
There’s a moment of awkward silence before Jared cracks up and laughs.  
  
“What?” Jensen retracts his hand, feeling sick to the stomach. Didn’t he mean it? Was he just leading him on? He’s about to rise from the chair when Jared suddenly sobers up and grabs his arm.  
  
“No, God no, Jensen. I didn’t mean… I’m just…” he’s rambling and doesn’t really get a full sentence out. “I didn’t laugh at you. I just can’t really stand the silence and I was nervous and, well, I thought about kissing you.”  
   
Jensen flinches at the thought of why that would make Jared laugh. He’s not that repulsive, is he?  
  
“And no, it’s not because I don’t want to kiss you!”  
  
Okay, so apparently Jared also reads minds. Between Jared and Chris there will be no escape, will there?  
  
“I just… I have never kissed a guy before, okay? I feel like a virgin, and after nearly ten years in a relationship, that is kind of a freaky feeling. I never thought I would be reduced to feeling like an awkward teenager again.”  
  
“Oh.” Jensen is so relieved he could cry, but he doesn’t think crying will make a good impression. He does, however, want to give Jared all the space he needs; he doesn’t want to pressure him doing anything he’s not ready to do.  
  
“We don’t have to, I mean, if you don’t want to, we can…” his speech is interrupted by Jared nearly throwing himself at him and their lips crashing in a short but forceful kiss.  
  
“Uhm,” is all Jared manages to say when they part again, and Jensen doesn’t want to give him more time to think so he pulls him back in. This time to a slower and gentler kiss. They find the right angle and perfect pace, and they taste each other, lips and tongue. Neither is ready to let go, and Jensen vaguely notices how Jared is tugging at his shirt.  
  
“What?” he mumbles into Jared’s mouth. God, he tastes good.  
  
“Shirt, off,” Jared hisses, and tugs even harder.  
  
“Uhm,” he answers and lifts his arms and lets Jared remove his shirt. He moans as Jared nips at his jaw and uses his hands to map his now bare chest.  
  
His knees buckle and together they let themselves slide to the ground, Jared on top of Jensen. The patio feels hard and dry against his bare back, but he’s too busy being overpowered with sensations as Jared finds his nipples and sucks on them. He uses his teeth to bite just hard enough to make his dick leap with excitement.  
  
He’s harder than he can ever remember being. He can’t help but thrust up against Jared, and Jared answers by grinding his obvious erection against his. They both move frantically against each other, and it doesn’t take more than a few minutes until they both release their loads while breathing heavily into each other’s mouths.  
  
Jared leans his forehead against Jensen’s torso. He feels heavy on Jensen’s chest.  
  
“You okay?” Jensen says while stroking Jared’s hair that is now damp with sweat.  
  
“Yeah,” Jared breathes heavily. He slowly starts to come to life again, and rises up on his elbows and leans over to give Jensen another kiss. “Fuck,” he suddenly exclaims and Jensen almost jumps at the sudden outburst.  
  
“What?” he asks worriedly.  
  
“The neighbors,” Jared squeaks and casts a glance to the house next door.  
  
Jensen turns his head as well, and is immensely glad when he can conclude that there’s no one at home, and no one has had first row tickets to their first attempt, no, not attempt, their first making out session, or coming off on each other session.  
  
“Don’t worry, there’s no one home,” he assures Jared, who still stares at the house.  
  
“I can’t believe that I totally forgot we were outside,” Jared stammers.  
  
“Yeah, me too.” Jensen kisses him. “But they didn’t see anything. Come on, let’s clean up.”

  


♥♥♥

  
They don’t get around to cleaning up before they dive into another round of kissing.  
  
Jared traces a finger along Jensen’s scar, and for the first time Jensen seems relaxed even though he’s obviously well aware Jared is focusing on it.  
  
“It’s pretty, you know,” Jared says after a while.  
  
“You think?”  
  
“Yeah, it’s sexy. Makes you more alive.”  
  
“You didn’t find it ugly in the beginning either, before you knew me?”  
  
Jared laughs, and shakes his head. “I didn’t even notice it. I was totally lost in your eyes.”  
  
Jensen sits up at this news, “You didn’t notice?”  
  
“Nope. I was so surprised when I did notice though, because I couldn’t understand how I could have missed it. Because honestly, even though it’s not ugly as you think it is, it is noticeable, and still I had totally missed it. It was just you, I guess. It was just there, and even though it shows, it is so much a part of you, and you are so stunning, that it doesn’t stand out as strange or ugly or whatever. I was just mesmerized by your eyes, anyway, so I was totally lost.”  
  
“So, I guess I don’t have to worry about it then,” Jensen lies back down, and Jared follows.  
  
“Nah, if anything, it just reminds me how lucky I am to have you. How close I came to not knowing you. I see it as a badge of honor. It’s a part of your history, and it didn’t stop with the attack, it continued with you fighting your fear and finding your way back to life.”  
  
“I’m not there yet,” Jensen interrupts.  
  
“No, but you’re getting there, and you don’t have to do it alone now.”  
  
“You will go there with me?” Jensen rubs his hand over Jared’s hips in lazy movements.  
  
“You’ll have to do it yourself, but I will walk beside you, just as I hope you will walk beside me when I try to learn how to stand up for myself?”  
  
“You bet,” Jensen smiles into a kiss. “And just so you know it, I don’t take any of that ‘you decide’ crap from you,” he finally says when he lets go of Jared’s lips for a moment.  
  
“So, I guess we’re good for each other then,” Jared answers.  
  
“I hope so.”  
  
“I hope so, too.”  
  
“And I really think we should get inside before the neighbor comes home.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Just one more…”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Just a kiss..”  
  
“Uhm…”  
  
“Yeah, there…”  
  
“Oh, yeah…”  
  
“Oh, god, Jen, please, yes…”  
  
“Fuck the neighbors, I need you now.”

 

THE END


End file.
